Implosion
Our Sunnyside deal is on the brink of implosion, mostly due to the solar panel situation...as expected. The findings on the inspection were more than just significant. Several things were in need of extensive repairs. Dylan put hours of legwork into getting estimates for all the various things that needed repairs so that we could send a reasonable proposal to the seller and get the deal done. Ultimately, the seller agreed to lower the purchase price so that we could take the house "as-is." That would have been fine, but it wasn't even enough money to come close to fixing just the significant things. Not to mention the extremely crappy solar panel lease deal that would have fallen on our shoulders. If we wanted the house bad enough, it could have been ours. But it would have been at a price that would have been unfair and unreasonable for us.
I need to back up just a little bit. I left work on Thursday feeling so empty inside, like I always do. Nothing makes my soul more dead than being at that job. But it's fine. It's a lot of money for just twice a week, and it's an easy schedule...and it's fine. I'm lucky to have the job. I just can't imagine getting sucked into a way of life that demands more hours at my job so that I could pay for our house. It's a great house, but I don't know if it's worth that sacrifice. It may not have come to that anyway, but I don't want to risk it. I have these two very little kids who need me, and I don't want to miss out on stuff. I would regret it if I spent any more time at a place that drains my soul.
The house was perfect for us, and we probably won't find anything else that checks off all the boxes. But maybe we don't need perfect. Maybe we can scale back our expectations and still be just fine wherever we land. You never know...the Sunnyside seller may come around to us again if nobody else will buy the house and take on the solar deal...or maybe he'll get someone who doesn't realize what a lousy situation it is to buy the house. I am okay with it either way. I just know that taking on all the additional expense on top of the purchase price of the house was giving me heartburn. We were willing to meet halfway with the solar panels and take care of some of the repairs. We needed a greater concession from the other side of the deal, though, and buying the house without that was not the right thing to do.
We gave our final "take it or leave it" proposal this morning to the selling agent, and it was not well-received. As this was all going down, I went for a jog. I ran the same route I've done 100 times, but this time I really opened my eyes up to the houses surrounding us. I can see how, without a doubt, our location right next to the horses is maybe the worst in all of the Rio Verde Foothills. If I came out here with fresh eyes to look at buying a house, I would cross our house off the list immediately. If even the horse owners could have put up some decent-looking fences, it may have changed things...but when you look out of our front door, it's just UGLY as far as the eye can see. When I opened my eyes up to this, I just knew in my heart of hearts that it was time to throw in the towel, at least for now. Side note: it's amazing how much junk your mind can work through when you go for a jog outside. Try it whenever you're in need of some clarity- it works!
For almost six months, I've spent most of my time while at home chasing a mess. I go through so many paper towels wiping off surfaces and cleaning up after everybody. I pick things up and put them away any time I move in this house...from the kitchen to the restroom to the living room. My hands are always full of other people's toys and trash and shoes and whatever to put back in their place. I live with three very sloppy people, and I take care of the mess all by myself. If I don't constantly stay on top of it, then I'll never be able to get the house prepared for a potential showing and then get where I need to be without being late. It has to look good ALL the time. This way of life sucks a lot of joy out of being at home, and so far, it's all been for nothing. I'm out of steam.
Up until now, I've taken the virtuous route of being patient and holding out hope that "good things come to those who wait." I think I've had a lot of emotion buried in my heart that I chose to ignore so that I could focus on a "better" path for approaching this challenge. I have told myself time and time again that I have so much to be grateful for and that I cannot let this be a drag on life. I can't control it...whatever is meant to be will be...etc, etc. That's all true and fine and good, except that I'm also a real human with feelings and emotions.
So today, I allowed myself to feel real emotion instead of impressing the virtues of patience and the value of the journey on myself. I chose to not sweep the frustration under the rug, as usual. I was angry and sad and had a meltdown, and it felt very good. It might not have been my finest, most virtuous moment, but it was a good lesson. Sometimes I worry about complaining too much or being too needy or obnoxious, so I pretend like I don't feel things that I actually do feel. I'm slowly learning that it is okay to have emotions and to lean on my people when I need them. I may have scared Dylan a little bit because he doesn't get this way. He sees the silver lining in every situation. Maybe he's an expert at sweeping his feelings under the rug and navigating around it, or maybe he is just that optimistic about everything. Hopefully it's the latter, which makes him somebody really to be admired. But I'm not him. I'm just a person who gets sad and frustrated sometimes, and I learned today that that is okay.
After that jog that changed everything, I felt with certainty in my heart that it was time to take the house off the market. I unsubscribed from Zillow. The energy that I've poured into house hunting and subsequently keeping our house show-ready will be so much better spent elsewhere. We are approaching the only non-miserable time of year to live in the desert, and I want to enjoy the heck out of it. I want to actually live my life while I'm at my house instead of working my ass off to pick up after the slobs. Maybe I'll hang some pictures back up on the wall. Or decorate for Christmas. I want to really feel at home for the holidays and re-channel my focus and energy on things that will make me happy.
Twice this week we took the boys out to cruise around on the dirt trails in their RZR Power Wheels. Today I took my first bike ride of the season on the vast trail system that is just down the street from our house. Neither of these things are a good enough reason to live here forever, but they're good enough reasons to feel okay about living out here for a little bit longer. The drive still sucks, and I won't change my mind about wanting to move, but at least I can come home and just be at home for a few months.
We are due for a win here, but if we can't have that, then we've at least earned a break from trying. I've lived long enough to know that you can't always have something just because you want it. Moving into town is the right thing for our family. It won't solve all our problems...there's no such thing as a problem-free life...but it will make us very happy. When the time is right, we'll try again. Maybe we'll get what we want and maybe we won't. For now, I need this load off my heart, and I need to come up for air. It's been a journey of self-discovery, and we've learned a lot. The challenge has been good for building character, for sure. But, enough is enough. So, if you need me, you can find me where I've always been- out in the Rio Verde Foothills. But don't come looking unless you really need me. It won't be worth it. It's too long of a drive.
I need to back up just a little bit. I left work on Thursday feeling so empty inside, like I always do. Nothing makes my soul more dead than being at that job. But it's fine. It's a lot of money for just twice a week, and it's an easy schedule...and it's fine. I'm lucky to have the job. I just can't imagine getting sucked into a way of life that demands more hours at my job so that I could pay for our house. It's a great house, but I don't know if it's worth that sacrifice. It may not have come to that anyway, but I don't want to risk it. I have these two very little kids who need me, and I don't want to miss out on stuff. I would regret it if I spent any more time at a place that drains my soul.
The house was perfect for us, and we probably won't find anything else that checks off all the boxes. But maybe we don't need perfect. Maybe we can scale back our expectations and still be just fine wherever we land. You never know...the Sunnyside seller may come around to us again if nobody else will buy the house and take on the solar deal...or maybe he'll get someone who doesn't realize what a lousy situation it is to buy the house. I am okay with it either way. I just know that taking on all the additional expense on top of the purchase price of the house was giving me heartburn. We were willing to meet halfway with the solar panels and take care of some of the repairs. We needed a greater concession from the other side of the deal, though, and buying the house without that was not the right thing to do.
We gave our final "take it or leave it" proposal this morning to the selling agent, and it was not well-received. As this was all going down, I went for a jog. I ran the same route I've done 100 times, but this time I really opened my eyes up to the houses surrounding us. I can see how, without a doubt, our location right next to the horses is maybe the worst in all of the Rio Verde Foothills. If I came out here with fresh eyes to look at buying a house, I would cross our house off the list immediately. If even the horse owners could have put up some decent-looking fences, it may have changed things...but when you look out of our front door, it's just UGLY as far as the eye can see. When I opened my eyes up to this, I just knew in my heart of hearts that it was time to throw in the towel, at least for now. Side note: it's amazing how much junk your mind can work through when you go for a jog outside. Try it whenever you're in need of some clarity- it works!
For almost six months, I've spent most of my time while at home chasing a mess. I go through so many paper towels wiping off surfaces and cleaning up after everybody. I pick things up and put them away any time I move in this house...from the kitchen to the restroom to the living room. My hands are always full of other people's toys and trash and shoes and whatever to put back in their place. I live with three very sloppy people, and I take care of the mess all by myself. If I don't constantly stay on top of it, then I'll never be able to get the house prepared for a potential showing and then get where I need to be without being late. It has to look good ALL the time. This way of life sucks a lot of joy out of being at home, and so far, it's all been for nothing. I'm out of steam.
Up until now, I've taken the virtuous route of being patient and holding out hope that "good things come to those who wait." I think I've had a lot of emotion buried in my heart that I chose to ignore so that I could focus on a "better" path for approaching this challenge. I have told myself time and time again that I have so much to be grateful for and that I cannot let this be a drag on life. I can't control it...whatever is meant to be will be...etc, etc. That's all true and fine and good, except that I'm also a real human with feelings and emotions.
So today, I allowed myself to feel real emotion instead of impressing the virtues of patience and the value of the journey on myself. I chose to not sweep the frustration under the rug, as usual. I was angry and sad and had a meltdown, and it felt very good. It might not have been my finest, most virtuous moment, but it was a good lesson. Sometimes I worry about complaining too much or being too needy or obnoxious, so I pretend like I don't feel things that I actually do feel. I'm slowly learning that it is okay to have emotions and to lean on my people when I need them. I may have scared Dylan a little bit because he doesn't get this way. He sees the silver lining in every situation. Maybe he's an expert at sweeping his feelings under the rug and navigating around it, or maybe he is just that optimistic about everything. Hopefully it's the latter, which makes him somebody really to be admired. But I'm not him. I'm just a person who gets sad and frustrated sometimes, and I learned today that that is okay.
After that jog that changed everything, I felt with certainty in my heart that it was time to take the house off the market. I unsubscribed from Zillow. The energy that I've poured into house hunting and subsequently keeping our house show-ready will be so much better spent elsewhere. We are approaching the only non-miserable time of year to live in the desert, and I want to enjoy the heck out of it. I want to actually live my life while I'm at my house instead of working my ass off to pick up after the slobs. Maybe I'll hang some pictures back up on the wall. Or decorate for Christmas. I want to really feel at home for the holidays and re-channel my focus and energy on things that will make me happy.
Twice this week we took the boys out to cruise around on the dirt trails in their RZR Power Wheels. Today I took my first bike ride of the season on the vast trail system that is just down the street from our house. Neither of these things are a good enough reason to live here forever, but they're good enough reasons to feel okay about living out here for a little bit longer. The drive still sucks, and I won't change my mind about wanting to move, but at least I can come home and just be at home for a few months.
We are due for a win here, but if we can't have that, then we've at least earned a break from trying. I've lived long enough to know that you can't always have something just because you want it. Moving into town is the right thing for our family. It won't solve all our problems...there's no such thing as a problem-free life...but it will make us very happy. When the time is right, we'll try again. Maybe we'll get what we want and maybe we won't. For now, I need this load off my heart, and I need to come up for air. It's been a journey of self-discovery, and we've learned a lot. The challenge has been good for building character, for sure. But, enough is enough. So, if you need me, you can find me where I've always been- out in the Rio Verde Foothills. But don't come looking unless you really need me. It won't be worth it. It's too long of a drive.
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