Searching for Hope in New Places
This house thing...the selling, searching, renovation ideas...the whole kit and caboodle...it's exhausting. It's a season of life, and I know that we'll eventually unload this house and find something we really like. I also know that some good will come from the process. Since giving birth to my first son a little over four years ago, I feel like I lost the part of me that invested time and heart into anything other than parenting and keeping this household humming along. I have been so overcome by anxiety and a need to keep things orderly, that I haven't left myself time to sit and explore things and interests that are just for me. It hasn't been good for me, nor for my kids. I think I'll look back on these years of parenting and regret that I didn't just relax sometimes. In fact, I know that I will feel sad about how hard I made things for myself and how I should have just stopped and cuddled my kids more. Even knowing this, though, somehow I cannot stop. It makes me sad.
Other than being uptight and OCD, I've basically been emotionless for the last four years. It's like a light turned off somewhere inside me, and I kind of went numb. I just start every day way too early and charge ahead full force in an attempt to maintain some sense of order in my life until my head hits the pillow again at night in an attempt to get some sleep. Few things interrupt my charge enough to really make me feel anything. I've even complained a few times that I don't even know how to cry anymore. Sometimes I can muster up a few tears, but I've somehow lost the big, ugly cry function. Every now and then, a big, ugly cry is necessary. It's cathartic. I'm a better person than I used to be, but I'm also an anxiety-ridden, chronic insomniac who is searching for some pieces of herself that went missing a few years ago. So, on one hand, the house hunting (not so much the selling aspect) has been a good thing. It's been like having a project outside of my kids that really excites me, and I had forgotten what that felt like. It might just put one piece of the puzzle back together.
But, on the other hand...well, I'm just, so, so tired. The worst part is leaving the house in perfect condition every single time I go somewhere (only to have nobody request a showing). It's like an Olympic feat to get everyone out of the house...even without putting everything in its proper place and wiping down all the surfaces so they're good and shiny. But the reality is that we really can't afford to blow it when it comes to showings. They don't happen often out here in the boonies, so we have to be prepared at every moment.
The worst thing is making the bed. I read somewhere that making the bed becomes like a ritual...like having your morning coffee...and that you really grow to enjoy and appreciate it. Not me. Making a king size bed is a colossal pain in the ass and absolutely the last thing I want to be doing during the morning circus act. I do it every single day and for no reason 99% of the time. It's infuriating. I'm already OCD enough without having the added pressure of making my house look perfect all the time. Sure, I enjoy a clean house, but not as much as I enjoy a few extra moments of peace in my day and slightly less frazzled mornings.
Every day that passes without any showing requests makes me feel a little more defeated. I don't want to throw in the towel on this. No, I definitely cannot stand the thought of living out here for an indefinite amount of time. But sometimes it's hard to hang onto hope. So, rather than drown my sorrows in alcohol, I've been searching for some strength in new places.
Now, don't get me wrong. I know this is not a life-or-death situation. I have had tougher seasons of life and still tougher ones to come in my future, for sure. Right now I have a cousin whose 3-year-old is battling leukemia. What could be worse? On the spectrum of things good to bad, "Having a difficult time selling one's home" is nowhere near illness, job loss, divorce and lots of other things. But it's a unique time, and it hasn't been easy. We're all fighting our battles, right?
I have found a little light in all of this in going to church. I've always enjoyed going, and I love that my kids will be brought up in church. I wasn't brought up in the church, and a lot of the ideas are a little obscure or abstract for me, but it is growing on me. Church is centered around loving God first, but second, it's about loving people. As far as I can tell, it can only serve to bring good into one's life. When I go to church on Sunday mornings, it is uplifting, it centers me and it makes me grateful. All are things that I really need right now.
I decided to go out on a limb and join a women's Bible study on Monday nights. This is very new to me. I thought I'd give it a try because I could use some more good in my life. Can't we all? I signed up online, picked up my textbook and brought home one of the church's free paperback Bibles. I read the first chapter in the study book, and I'm as prepared as I can be for my first Bible study tomorrow night. The study is focused on Jeremiah. If you're as unfamiliar as I am with the Bible, you'll have no idea what that means. Well, it's actually very relevant. Jeremiah was a prophet who faced a lot of hardship in his life but kept his faith in the midst of it all. The study relates this back to real, modern day life, and it really does help to provide hope and strength in the face of hardship...or even mild struggles.
Dylan's parents are visiting right now, and we all attended church this morning. Later, during dinner, we were talking a little bit about the service, and Dylan asked if my Bible study was about the same thing we had learned in church. I told him no, that it was about the book of Jeremiah. When I said that, my father-in-law, who is very insightful and a longtime Christian, revealed a moment from the previous day that was more than just a coincidence-- Dylan and I had run into an open house for a few minutes while everyone else waited in the car. While we were in the house, my father-in-law received a text from a friend that he doesn't speak to very often. The text was in reference to Jeremiah 6:16 "Stand for the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls." The "ancient path" in this verse being the path of patience. For a person who is looking for some hope during a situation that is not life-or-death but still endlessly frustrating, well, I guess it was good to hear that having patience will bring us the outcome we desire.
We all hit rough patches, and it shapes who we are. The rough stuff is necessary for us to progress as people. I'm only thankful that my situation does not involve actual, real suffering. We will get out of this house and into something that will make us happy. Maybe not this month or this year (ugh), but we will get there. And when we do, we will have grown as individuals, as a husband-and-wife team, and as a family. I'll be glad for that.
Other than being uptight and OCD, I've basically been emotionless for the last four years. It's like a light turned off somewhere inside me, and I kind of went numb. I just start every day way too early and charge ahead full force in an attempt to maintain some sense of order in my life until my head hits the pillow again at night in an attempt to get some sleep. Few things interrupt my charge enough to really make me feel anything. I've even complained a few times that I don't even know how to cry anymore. Sometimes I can muster up a few tears, but I've somehow lost the big, ugly cry function. Every now and then, a big, ugly cry is necessary. It's cathartic. I'm a better person than I used to be, but I'm also an anxiety-ridden, chronic insomniac who is searching for some pieces of herself that went missing a few years ago. So, on one hand, the house hunting (not so much the selling aspect) has been a good thing. It's been like having a project outside of my kids that really excites me, and I had forgotten what that felt like. It might just put one piece of the puzzle back together.
But, on the other hand...well, I'm just, so, so tired. The worst part is leaving the house in perfect condition every single time I go somewhere (only to have nobody request a showing). It's like an Olympic feat to get everyone out of the house...even without putting everything in its proper place and wiping down all the surfaces so they're good and shiny. But the reality is that we really can't afford to blow it when it comes to showings. They don't happen often out here in the boonies, so we have to be prepared at every moment.
The worst thing is making the bed. I read somewhere that making the bed becomes like a ritual...like having your morning coffee...and that you really grow to enjoy and appreciate it. Not me. Making a king size bed is a colossal pain in the ass and absolutely the last thing I want to be doing during the morning circus act. I do it every single day and for no reason 99% of the time. It's infuriating. I'm already OCD enough without having the added pressure of making my house look perfect all the time. Sure, I enjoy a clean house, but not as much as I enjoy a few extra moments of peace in my day and slightly less frazzled mornings.
Every day that passes without any showing requests makes me feel a little more defeated. I don't want to throw in the towel on this. No, I definitely cannot stand the thought of living out here for an indefinite amount of time. But sometimes it's hard to hang onto hope. So, rather than drown my sorrows in alcohol, I've been searching for some strength in new places.
Now, don't get me wrong. I know this is not a life-or-death situation. I have had tougher seasons of life and still tougher ones to come in my future, for sure. Right now I have a cousin whose 3-year-old is battling leukemia. What could be worse? On the spectrum of things good to bad, "Having a difficult time selling one's home" is nowhere near illness, job loss, divorce and lots of other things. But it's a unique time, and it hasn't been easy. We're all fighting our battles, right?
I have found a little light in all of this in going to church. I've always enjoyed going, and I love that my kids will be brought up in church. I wasn't brought up in the church, and a lot of the ideas are a little obscure or abstract for me, but it is growing on me. Church is centered around loving God first, but second, it's about loving people. As far as I can tell, it can only serve to bring good into one's life. When I go to church on Sunday mornings, it is uplifting, it centers me and it makes me grateful. All are things that I really need right now.
I decided to go out on a limb and join a women's Bible study on Monday nights. This is very new to me. I thought I'd give it a try because I could use some more good in my life. Can't we all? I signed up online, picked up my textbook and brought home one of the church's free paperback Bibles. I read the first chapter in the study book, and I'm as prepared as I can be for my first Bible study tomorrow night. The study is focused on Jeremiah. If you're as unfamiliar as I am with the Bible, you'll have no idea what that means. Well, it's actually very relevant. Jeremiah was a prophet who faced a lot of hardship in his life but kept his faith in the midst of it all. The study relates this back to real, modern day life, and it really does help to provide hope and strength in the face of hardship...or even mild struggles.
Dylan's parents are visiting right now, and we all attended church this morning. Later, during dinner, we were talking a little bit about the service, and Dylan asked if my Bible study was about the same thing we had learned in church. I told him no, that it was about the book of Jeremiah. When I said that, my father-in-law, who is very insightful and a longtime Christian, revealed a moment from the previous day that was more than just a coincidence-- Dylan and I had run into an open house for a few minutes while everyone else waited in the car. While we were in the house, my father-in-law received a text from a friend that he doesn't speak to very often. The text was in reference to Jeremiah 6:16 "Stand for the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls." The "ancient path" in this verse being the path of patience. For a person who is looking for some hope during a situation that is not life-or-death but still endlessly frustrating, well, I guess it was good to hear that having patience will bring us the outcome we desire.
We all hit rough patches, and it shapes who we are. The rough stuff is necessary for us to progress as people. I'm only thankful that my situation does not involve actual, real suffering. We will get out of this house and into something that will make us happy. Maybe not this month or this year (ugh), but we will get there. And when we do, we will have grown as individuals, as a husband-and-wife team, and as a family. I'll be glad for that.
Comments
Post a Comment